WARSHIP

When I was twelve, a voice in my head told me I was to become a pastor. Even then, I was unsure whether that voice was mine or the Heavenly Father’s. So, I waited. Another sign, message, miracle; but nothing. I haven’t felt a spiritual presence since. That’s when my questions began, as I saw the divide beginning to form. What can they do that I can’t? I walked the line, where’d you go? Were you ever here?

This faith is a part of who I am, and I must face it. I’ve grown fond of the people in this church, even with their close-mindedness, because I see my struggles reflected. They believe, they share, they try, but how? What does Christianity look like? By layering images from the “real world” on top of the images from the church, I’m representing the conflict between Christianity in this “holy space”, and the reality I confront outside those four walls. Sunday is only one out of seven, and for most, that’s enough. Can one day justify the proliferation of the propitiation; fearmongering of the afterlife? What happens when you break the echo chamber?

Subconsciously, I reentered this space as a final effort to feel God. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my soul desires God, and I have to decide how to proceed. Can I fake it until I make it? My days are still spent looking for that glimmer of hope, of knowledge, of greater purpose. I want guidance, I want to know better, but I don’t. I’m frustrated that some people pretend to. Faith is pretend, it’s delusion, but isn’t that the point? A warped, tilted reality makes life bearable. But now, delusion is doing harm, and I call our attention towards it. This worship has become a warship; weaponized, institutionalized delusion. This Christian nation, run by church, state, and profit, is the real God to fear.